Senator the Hon George Brandis QC – Parliament of Australia
It’s come to my attention that you’re hoping to protect the citizens of our great country by attempting to gather our metadatas from the internets. As a dutiful citizen, I feel it behoves me to help as much as possible. To this end, I’m sending you a list of today’s activities.
12:16 a.m. Woken by the sound of the street sweeper. It’s very loud. I have no idea why he does his work so late at night. You probably do, though, George. Could you ask him and get back to me about it? Ta.
12:21 a.m. Stumbled to the toilet in the dark. Peed. Stumbled back to the bedroom.
12:22 a.m. Started drifting off back to sleep.
12:58 a.m. Woke up. Stumbled to the toilet in the dark. Peed. Stumbled back to the bedroom.
12:59 a.m. Started drifting off back to sleep.
2:31 a.m. Woke up. Stumbled to the toilet in the dark. Peed. Stumbled back to the bedroom. Jesus Christ, I’m gonna have to lay off the coffee!
2:33 a.m. Started drifting off to sleep. Had a good scratch of my right testicle. I wondered if it was the left’s fault it was itchy.
4:49 a.m. Woken by someone using some sort of air compressor-powered device to clean the toilets in the park across the road (you know the one). The council is surely diligent, but they need more money, IMO, so they can afford to buy digital watches.
4:52 a.m. Stumbled to the toilet in the dark. Peed. Stumbled back to the bedroom.
4:54 a.m. Noted my left testicle wasn’t jealous the right one had had a good scratch earlier. Good. Rivalry between them is not needed. Glad they’re showing a unified front, just like the LNP! Started drifting off to sleep.
6:41 a.m. Woken by the council mowing the lawn in the park across the road. If those guys were paid by the amount of drive they showed, the council would be out of money!
Oh! BTW, I’m worried about the council worker who looks like one of ZZ-Top. Every few minutes he has to sit down and put his feet up for about three hours. His workmates sit with him to keep him company, bless ‘em, even though you just know they’re itching to get back to work. People in the houses in this street won’t wake themselves up, after all. But, still … maybe you could cast an eye over his records and see if his medication needs updating? Thanks.
6:47 a.m. After rewarding the other testicle for its bipartisan approach by giving it a good scratch, stumbled to the toilet. Peed. Idly wondered when I was gonna run out of water in my system, ’cause this was a seriously long pee! I’m no good at guessing these things, George … how long did it take? What milliliterage of pee was it I expelled?
6:53 a.m. Splashed some water on my face. Dried my face with a towel. You know, George, the blue one with the beach scene on it? That’s the one. I swear it was hanging on the shower rail last night, but this morning it was on the back of the bathroom door. Can you look into it? What am I talking about … ‘can’ you? Would you? Thanks.
7:01 a.m. Made some coffee. Grabbed my smokes and went to sit on the front patio. You remember the gecko I’ve been watching the last few nights, George? The one who sits on the light globe next door, warming his tummy, eating insects as they come to him? I know, I’ve never mentioned it to anyone before, yes, but of course, you’d know about him. He was still there this morning! Amazing. Thought they normally hid during the day. Well … not from you, of course, George … but … metaphorically hiding.
I’m about twenty pages from the end of that Graham Masterton novel I checked out of the library last week, you know the one. Would you tell me how it ends, George? Just to save me time? Who is Red Mask?
7:16 a.m. Went back inside and fed my cats. Yep, Midnight and Patches. You guys have got them on file, of course, from way, way back when I applied with the housing commission! You even have the photos! Could I get a copy of them? I mean, I know it’s not my data, or anything; it belongs to the government, but … well, whatever works for you, George. You know I trust you.
7:23 a.m. Clean Midnight’s and Patches’ litter tray. I wonder how many grains of cat litter fit in the average tray? George, you mind letting me know about that one? ‘preciate it.
By God, George! Imagine having you and your phone on our team at trivia night! Will they be holding a trivia night at Tattersalls, George?
7:31 a.m. Took my morning medication. Man, George! I feel like I’m rattling, the number of pills I have to take! And this TPP is likely gonna increase the cost of ‘em! Still, it’s for the good of the country … or … so I assume, I don’t know, really. I mean, you know. We don’t. But, hey, we’re only citizens. Personally, I feel like a weight has lifted, being stripped of them pesky rights, an’ all!
Sat down on my computer and gave Bill Shorten a hard time on Twitter, at least until I realized he was siding with you guys about the metadata retention. Now that I know that the federal Labor member of the opposition is on your guys’ side, I’m even more impressed by the skilled leadership of the Abbott government! Heck, I can’t even tell you guys apart anymore, what, with Bill siding with you guys to keep the 300 soldiers being sent to Iraq from going to a vote in Parliament. As if matters of life and death should be voted on, instead of just trusting our Glorious Leader to make a captain’s call!