In the quiet of the bathroom, the packet seemed to crinkle like overhead thunder as Peter opened it. As can happen with such things, though, the disposable razor fell out and clattered onto the small tiles of the bathroom floor, accompanied by Peter’s muted curse.
As he bent to pick it up, the now discarded plastic packet swept itself off the edge of the sink and followed Peter down, falling past his eyes.
“While I’m down here … ”, he thought, picking it up as well.
As he put it down on the edge of the sink and rinsed the inevitable dust from the razor, Peter once again noticed the attention-getting lettering which had made him buy the razor in the first place, despite the fact that it had come from a company he’d never heard of;
“A new type of shaving experience!”
“Let’s hope so”, he thought, continuing his preparations.
He mused on the fact that the packet had contained only one disposable razor as he rinsed a face-washer under the hot water then put it over the lower half of his face. Most packets of disposable razors contained more than one – sometimes as many as ten! But not this one. In fact, under the attention-getting lettering, Peter remembered reading, “You’ll never need another razor!”
He wondered at the curious copy the company had decided to use as a slogan as he shook the can of low-irritant, specially-formulated moisturizing foaming shaving gel.
“You guys”, he addressed the packet, “are doing yourselves out of further profits, aren’t you?”
Of course, the packet – even though it did represent the company – said nothing. Not even while Peter lathered the foam into his face.
When he lifted the razor and swept its edge down the side of his face, though …
… Peter wasn’t quiet.
“God damn that’s sharp!”
He looked down at the razor in his hand. Along the quadruple blades sat a bright smearing of blood from the sudden gash on the side of his face.
Peter was about to rinse the blood off and continue shaving (with a good deal more care, this time), when he noticed the impossible …
… a little tongue coming out from between the middle of the four blades and licking the blood away, as quickly as a man might lick milk off his moustache.
For a second, he just stood there, wondering what the hell he’d just seen …
… and then the razor burped.
Peter’s eyes flew open even as he dropped the razor …
Well, even as he thought about dropping the razor; because – even though – he’d commanded his hand to let go of the razor …
… it hadn’t.
“Surely”, he thought, “any second now, the signal from my brain will reach my fingers … ”
But it didn’t happen.
What did happen was that his hand froze, still gripping the handle of the razor … even when the four blades inexplicably lifted ninety degrees of their own volition until their very edges were facing Peter’s throat …
… before launching themselves out of the razor’s plastic housing and into Peter’s jugular vein with a speed that nearly severed his head from his neck.
As he gurgled to the floor, his life spurting away in front of him and running down the walls, Peter had a ridiculous thought;
“The packet had been right …
… I won’t be needing another razor”.
Copyright © 2008 by David Scott Aubrey
All Rights Reserved
This short story is a work of fiction. Any and all names, characters and/or incidents are either products of my imagination or are used fictitiously. Where any such resemblance may exist to actual persons (living or dead), actual events or locales, it is purely coincidental.
Please don’t assume that my characters speak for me or carry my own opinions on various matters in any way, shape or form (though some might – you never can tell).