Pukka Tukka (A Short Story)

Right … today I’m gonna show yer ‘ow t’ cook one o’ the simplest things yer can ever learn ‘ow t’ cook, yeah?

Believe it or not, I’ve seen people look at recipes like this an’ turn white … literally. Their teef cha’er, they sweat, they feel physically ill at the fought o’ it, an’ I can’t figure out why.

‘See, I promise … I swear to yer, right? It’s nowhere near as ‘ard as it looks, yeah? An’ if yer follow what I show yer ‘ere, yer’ll find out that a roast like this is dead easy.

Right … first off, yer can see that the skin is a bit tougher than it looks, yeah? It looks all soft an’ smooth, but it isn’t. Yer can stretch it, yer can try an’ tear it … nothin’ works, right? But the fing I found out … if yer haven’t got chef-quality knives like this, yeah? Nip down the High Street an’ pick yerself up a Stanley Knife. Cheap as chips, an’ it’ll last yer a long, long time. An’ it’s perfect for scorin’ the skin, yeah?

Now, yer need t’ score the skin like this, right? About free-qua’ers of an inch, or about two cen’imetres, yeah? The fing is, get some o’ this cookin’ salt, then, an’ rub it in. Not too much, but yer don’t wanna be too delicate about it, ‘cause then yer end up losin’ all the flavour.

Now, durin’ all this, make sure yer oven ‘as been pre-’eated to about two-sixty. Five ‘undred faren’eight, or gas ten, yeah?

When it’s ready, get yer roast with the rind side on top an’ whack it in a bakin’ dish, yeah? Then put that on a roastin’ rack. Pour in a bit o’ water an’ cook it for firty minutes. Until the skin begins cracklin’ an’ bubblin’, yeah?

Now, at this point, yer wanna reduce the heat t’ one-eighty, or free-fifty faren’eight or gas four an’ bake it f’ about two or free hours, yeah? About twenny minutes for ev’ry five ‘undred grams.

Ev’ry so often, take it out an’ baste it with the pan juices, yeah? But don’t cover th’ cracklin’ whatever yer do, ovverwise it’ll go soft, an’ yer don’t want that to ‘appen, do yer?

Anyway, when it’s all done, take it out an’ leave it in a warm place for about ten minutes, covered in foil, right? Leave it for that amount o’ time to sit and let it settle before slicin’, yeah? Then yer serve it wiv that apple sauce an’ gravy we made before.

An’ that’s ‘ow yer cook a baby …

Copyright © 2007 by David Scott Aubrey
All Rights Reserved
439 Words

This short story is a work of fiction. Any and all names, characters and/or incidents are either products of my imagination or are used fictitiously. Where any such resemblance may exist to actual persons (living or dead), actual events or locales, it is purely coincidental.

Please don’t assume that my characters speak for me or carry my own opinions on various matters in any way, shape or form (though some might – you never can tell).